As I sat on the end of your bed, watching you sniff that line of cocaine, Not knowing what to do. But deep down inside me knowing that it was wrong.
I didn’t say anything to nobody thinking I was keeping you from getting in trouble with our parents.
Looking up to you, as you are my oldest sister. I saw how it made you feel I saw how different you would act. I thought if you were happy doing this then it was good for you not know any better since I was only 8yrs old at the time.
Things changed, you looked different things were different now.
You were never nice to me, you mentioned several times that you wished I was never born or that I would die. I couldn’t understand why you would say those things or what did i do to make you feel that way.
I remember you beating me all the time. I have blocked most of my child hood memories because of you.
When I sit and think of how things were when I was little, all I can remember is how much hurt you brought to the family. I remember you beating mom. See, at that time I didn’t know why you were being so mean why you had so much hate when we had it all as kids. We never had an empty plate of food or ever slept on the streets. Always had clothes on our backs and shoes on our feet. Parents would do everything they could so we would be happy.
But I still wouldn’t get it. As time went by you know began to run away almost every week if not every night. Mom would work the night shift and dad would work the day shifts.
I remember dad waking me up every time you would jump out of the window from your room. I had to be awake to keep an eye on our younger sisters because Dad would go out and search for you. It got to the point that he already knew where to go get you .
Dad would bring you home and it was always yelling screaming, a few times you would be brought back home and you would jump right out of your window again. It got so bad that mom bad to quit her job because of you.
I was 15yrs old, I started following in your foot steps, I was starting to talk back to my parents grades in school were going down, I even ran away once. Of course mom figured out were I was and picked me up. But when i got home and saw the disappointment on my dads face. I knew right there and then that I didn’t not want to be like you and make the same mistakes or put my parents through that heartache again. So never again.
As time went by and you got older things started to change, Your were now 18yrs old and pregnant. I tried being close to you I tried hanging out with you and feel comfortable being around you . But I was never quite there.
We grew and time went by, But a feeling of sisterly love was never there for you. I’ve tried and tried for so long to have that feeling toward you but it has never came.
See, While you were on your high and feeling great in your own world. What you’ve never realized was that in the real world you were ruining everything you had . You ruined being a big sister, a daughter that parents were proud of and wanted to be around.
You and I don’t really have a relationship as sisters. Yes I will talk to you here and there. I will joke around because its who I am.
But because you choose your high and happy place. You and I are sisters from a distance.