Sisters from a Distance

As I sat on the end of your bed, watching you sniff that line of cocaine, Not knowing what to do. But deep down inside me knowing that it was wrong.

I didn’t say anything to nobody thinking I was keeping you from getting in trouble with our parents.

Looking up to you, as you are my oldest sister. I saw how it made you feel I saw how different you would act. I thought if you were happy doing this then it was good for you not know any better since I was only 8yrs old at the time.

Things changed, you looked different things were different now.

You were never nice to me, you mentioned several times that you wished I was never born or that I would die. I couldn’t understand why you would say those things or what did i do to make you feel that way.

I remember you beating me all the time. I have blocked most of my child hood memories because of you.

When I sit and think of how things were when I was little, all I can remember is how much hurt you brought to the family. I remember you beating mom. See, at that time I didn’t know why you were being so mean why you had so much hate when we had it all as kids. We never had an empty plate of food or ever slept on the streets. Always had clothes on our backs and shoes on our feet. Parents would do everything they could so we would be happy.

But I still wouldn’t get it. As time went by you know began to run away almost every week if not every night. Mom would work the night shift and dad would work the day shifts.

I remember dad waking me up every time you would jump out of the window from your room. I had to be awake to keep an eye on our younger sisters because Dad would go out and search for you. It got to the point that he already knew where to go get you .

Dad would bring you home and it was always yelling screaming, a few times you would be brought back home and you would jump right out of your window again. It got so bad that mom bad to quit her job because of you.

I was 15yrs old, I started following in your foot steps, I was starting to talk back to my parents grades in school were going down, I even ran away once. Of course mom figured out were I was and picked me up. But when i got home and saw the disappointment on my dads face. I knew right there and then that I didn’t not want to be like you and make the same mistakes or put my parents through that heartache again. So never again.

As time went by and you got older things started to change, Your were now 18yrs old and pregnant. I tried being close to you I tried hanging out with you and feel comfortable being around you . But I was never quite there.

We grew and time went by, But a feeling of sisterly love was never there for you. I’ve tried and tried for so long to have that feeling toward you but it has never came.

See, While you were on your high and feeling great in your own world. What you’ve never realized was that in the real world you were ruining everything you had . You ruined being a big sister, a daughter that parents were proud of and wanted to be around.

You and I don’t really have a relationship as sisters. Yes I will talk to you here and there. I will joke around because its who I am.

But because you choose your high and happy place. You and I are sisters from a distance.

Blindsided

You charmed me with kindness. You were so sweet to me. You made me laugh and could always put a smile on my face.

My family liked you and thought you were so great for me. I was so happy.

Years past by and things were changing. I was 20 years old and I got pregnant. I was so excited that I was going to have a baby. I’ve always wanted a family.

I went out and bought some stuff to surprise you with the news. When you got home I was excited that I couldn’t stop smiling.

You opened the gift, saw what it was.

Your reaction was not what I was expecting. You said. “I’m not ready for a kid. You need to make an appointment for an abortion, your not having this kid because I don’t want it.”

How could he say that? Why would he say that to me? I thought we were happy, I thought he loved me. We would always talk about starting a family and marriage.

I tried talking to him, trying to understand how and where he was coming from. Why the change of mind.

Two weeks past by he wasn’t really talking to me. He would just ask if I made an appointment yet. I still hadn’t, I really didn’t want to, I really want to have this baby. Have my baby.

Another two weeks past by and I still hadn’t made an appointment. But I also hadn’t decided if I was going to tell him no, I want this baby, or listen to him and get it done just so he wouldn’t be mad at me, but I would suffer for the rest of my life.

The following Tuesday he said we were going out, he was in a better mood. I thought to myself ( Has he finally accepted the fact that I am pregnant and we are going to have a baby?) 1 hr and 45 minutes in to our drive I realized what drive way he was pulling up too. He took me to a Planned Parent Hood clinic. He had made an appointment for me to get an abortion. He dropped me off and said he would be back in a few hrs to pick me up after the procedure.

I sat in the lobby not knowing what to think of this. I hear my name being called. I go with the nurse to the back room she gives me a gown and starts to ask me questions, then she started taking an ultrasound and that’s when I knew, I wanted my baby, I did not want to have an abortion. I went back to the lobby, waited until he got back to pick me up. He asked “How did it go?” with a smirk on his face. I let him know I did not go through with the abortion that I was keeping the baby.

By the end of the week he was very clear that if I didn’t abort the pregnancy that he was not going to be with me or help with anything. During this time I thought I was afraid of losing him because I loved him so much.

Time past and I was now 5 months into my pregnancy, I was so excited I was having a boy. Even though I was so happy, there was always a sadness around me. He would never go to the Dr. appointments with me or ultrasounds.

It was a Friday evening, I was laying on the couch in the living room in our apartment, he came home from “work” smelling of alcohol. He woke me up in a aggressive way told me “Since you didn’t get an abortion, you leave me no choice.”

After waking up from a brutal beat, realizing that I have lost my son. I also realized that I was never afraid of him leaving me, and being alone, I was afraid of him beating me if I even tried and how abusive he was physically, mentally, and verbally. I Blindsided myself just to not see the real truth, to see what was really going on, being in denial. When I look the blind fold off I was able to see all that he’s done and how evil he really was.

Angle of mine

My hear cries every time I think of how different things would of been if I wouldn’t of lost you. How life would of been so much different for us.

I know you and your sister would of gotten along so well and she would of loved having a big brother in her life.

You are above us now looking down us.

I can’t wait until the day we get to meet and finally get to hold you in my arms.

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